Dangerously in Love | Falling In Love She is 36 years Old
Topic; Dangerously in Love | Falling In Love She is 36 years Old
Falling In Love d She came to my office without an appointment and asked my secretary if she could meet me for five minutes. I have known Janice for eighteen years.
She is thirty-six years old but she was not married yet. She has been dating many people for many years, with one she has been dating for six years, with the other three years and with the restless time. From time to time she came to see me and talked to me about any psychological complications in her relationship.
She was disciplined by nature, caring for others, and an ethical, resolved-thinking woman. It was totally against his nature to come to my office like this without taking any time. I thought, if Janice had come to see me without an appointment, there must be some serious crisis or unexpected event behind it.
I asked my secretary to let her in, and I agreed that as soon as I entered the door, Janice would burst into tears and tell a sad story. Instead, she was brimming with excitement as soon as she entered the room.
I asked, ‘How are you, Janice? ‘ ‘ Brilliant. I have never been so happy in my life. I am going to get married. ‘ ‘ What? ‘ I said in surprise, ‘ to whom and when?
From David Gillespie, in September “That’s great.” How long have you been dating her? “Just for three weeks. I know this madness is Dr. Chapman because I’ve been dating so many people for so long and been so close to marriage. After this, it is natural for me to be surprised at this sudden decision.
I can’t believe it myself, but I know that David was made for me. From the very first meeting, we both realized that the above had made us for each other only. Both of us did not say this on the first day but after a week he proposed marriage to me.
Dangerously in Love I knew that he was going to ask for marriage and I also knew that I was going to say yes. I’ve never felt like this before, Dr. Chapman. You know about my past relationships and you are also aware of their problems. There was definitely some flaw or mistake in every relation.
That’s why I wasn’t able to decide to marry any of them, but I know there’s nothing wrong with David. He’s the perfect person. ‘ By this time Janice was walking back and forth in her chair, smiling and saying with a gleaming face, ‘I know it’s crazy, but I’m so happy today.
I was never so happy before. ‘ What happened to Janice? He had fallen in love. Janice didn’t see anything wrong with that. In his eyes, David was the best man in the world. He was perfect in every way. He seemed like the perfect husband. She used to think about him day and night.
The fact that David had been married twice before, had three children, and had changed three jobs last year was all small talk in the eyes of Janice. She was happy and was sure that she was going to be happy with David forever. She had fallen madly in love.
For most of us, the road to marriage is through the craze of ‘falling in love. We meet someone whose electrical waves of appearance and personality push the switch on our ‘love alert system’. Immediately the bells of our hearts ring and we try to get to know that person properly.
The first step in this direction is to eat a hamburger or steak together and the menu depends on what our budget is, but we are not really interested in the food. we love
On a search operation. ‘Is this stimulating and moving feeling that I feel is love? Sometimes we get addicted to the very first meeting. We see that she is not as wonderful as she seemed at first glance. After that, we never eat hamburgers with her again.
But many times after eating hamburgers we love We are looking for more opportunities to be together and within a short time, we start to mingle so closely that we feel as if we have fallen in love. That is, this is the ideal person, this is true love.
After this, we express our love to the person in front and hope that the answer is yes, that is, he also responds to our love with love. If the answer is ‘no’ ‘ If it happens then either the matter gets cooled down or else we double our efforts and finally succeed in getting the love of our girlfriend.
When the love is two-sided then we start talking about marriage because Everyone agrees that ‘falling in love is the essential foundation of a happy married life. Before marriage, our dreams are about marital happiness.. when you If you fall in love then it is difficult for you to believe in anything else.
The craze for falling in love is heavenly at its peak. We are emotionally mad at each other. When we lie down to sleep, we keep on changing sides and thinking about each other. When we wake up, the first thought in our mind is that of our girlfriend or our lover.
We look forward to meeting him. Spending time with each other is like walking in some corner of heaven. When we hold each other’s hands, it is as if our blood is running together, as if our hearts are beating together. If we didn’t have to go to school or work, we would kiss each other for the rest of our lives.
With a hug, dreams of marriage and fervent bliss become stronger. The person who is in love gets the illusion that his girlfriend
The best and most beautiful woman in the world is in the five languages of love. His mother can see the lack in the girlfriend, but the lover does not see any lack in her.
The mother says, ‘Do you know that she has been under the supervision of a psychiatrist for five years? The son laughs and replies, ‘But mother, it has been three months since that thing. ’ Even his friends can see his shortcomings, but they don’t tell him until he himself asks them about it.
There is very little chance that he will take the opinion of his friends about his girlfriend because in his eyes she is the ideal and perfect woman and therefore does not care about the opinion of others. Before marriage our dreams are of marital bliss, ‘We will make each other completely happy’.
Other husband and wife may quarrel but we cannot because we really love each other. ‘ Obviously, we are not completely Buddha. On an intellectual level, we know that we will have differences. But we decide that we will discuss the differences openly.
One of us will always be ready to bow down and come to some conclusion or the other. When you fall in love, it is difficult for you to believe in anything else.
We are assured that if we have true love, it will last forever. Our love will always have the same wonderful thrill and excitement that it has at this moment. No one can ever come between us. Nothing can be more for us than love for each other.
We are attached and bound by each other’s beauty and charm. Our love seems to be the most wonderful experience of our life. We know that many couples have lost their love, but we also worry that this will not happen to us, ‘their love may not be true, we argue.
Unfortunately, the immortality of the experience of ‘love madness’ is fiction, not fact. Psychologist Dr. Dorothy Tenov has done extensive study and research on the state of ‘Love’s infatuation’. After studying dozens of couples, they concluded that the period of romantic infatuation lasts an average of two years.
If this love affair is going on secretly then this period can be a little longer. However, after that, we come down from the clouds and come to earth once again. Now the veil of obsession is removed from our eyes and we can see the wart on the face of the other person.
We soon find that many of his habits irritate us, and we get angry at his many actions. We also know that the one in front of us
Can hurt the heart, can make you angry, can speak bitter things, and can do evil to us. The small things which we had ignored during love, the same faults are now visible from the mountain. We remember our mother’s words and ask ourselves,
‘How did I do such a stupid thing?
“Welcome to the real world of marriage, where there’s always a bunch of hair on the sink and little white spots on the mirror;
where fights start over which side should tear off the tissue paper and keep the lid open Needed or Closed It’s a world where shoes don’t move on their own to reach cupboards, drawers don’t close automatically, coat hangers aren’t liked by and socks sometimes disappear, sometimes shrink during the laundry A crooked look in this world can hurt and a sharp word can inflict a wound in our heart.
In case of carelessness, intimate lovers can become arch enemies in the blink of an eye and marriage can become a battlefield. What happened to the experience of ‘ki madness’? Oh, it was just a gimmick, a mirage, that brought us to the altar of marriage, now the end is good or bad.
Till then you used to love so much, you curse the same again and again, the marriage for which you were longing and anxious, to get rid of it Start thinking about things. We have every right to be angry if we have been deceived.
But were we in ‘true’ love? I think yes. The problem was incorrect information. The wrong information was that the ‘crazy of love’ would go on for eternity. We should have known the reality of love.
Through simple thinking, we should have learned that if all people remained madly in love, we would all be in big trouble. Business, industry, business, church, education, and all other activities of society would have come to a standstill.
Why? Because those who are madly in love, their mind is not engaged in other things. That is why love has been given the name of passion. A college student drowns in the ocean of love, with the result that he fails in the examination. When you are madly in love how can you get your heart to read?
Tomorrow there is going to be a test on the war of 1812, but who cares about the war of 1812? When you are in love, everything is meaningless, unnecessary to you except love and girlfriend.
And it looks bullshit. A man said to me, ‘Dr. Chapman, my work is slowly coming to a halt. ‘ I asked, ‘What does that mean? “I met this girl, fell in love with her, and now I can’t do anything. I don’t feel like doing my work at all. I keep dreaming of him all day.
‘ The heavenly experience of a state of love makes us fall into the illusion that our relationship is intimate. We feel like we are completely connected to each other. We believe that we can face all the problems and overcome every difficulty.
We become kind to each other. As one young man said of his fiancé, ‘I can’t even imagine hurting her. My only wish is to keep him happy. I can do anything to make her happy. ’ This craze gives us the false sense that our ego thoughts have been completely destroyed and we have become a kind of Mother Teresa who is ready to make any sacrifices for the benefit of her lover.
Behind this, we have a strong belief that our lover must also have similar feelings for us. We are sure that she too is determined to meet our needs, that she loves us as much as we love her, and that she will never hurt or hurt us in life. Such thoughts are mere imagination.
It is not because we are not serious while thinking or feeling them, but because such thoughts are not on the surface of reality. We ignore the reality of human nature. We are all self-centered by nature. Our world revolves around us. None of us are completely charitable.
The heavenly experience of being ‘in love’ only gives us the illusion of it. Once the love affair is over (remember, the love affair lasts an average of two years) we return to the real world and lose the flexibility of our personality.
The husband expresses his wishes but his wishes are different from those of the wife. He wants sex, but the wife is tired and in no mood. He wants to buy a new car but the wife says, ‘That would be stupid. ‘ The wife wants to go to her maternal home, but the husband says, ‘I do not like spending so much time with your family. Husband wants to play in the softball tournament
But the wife says, ‘You love softball more than me. Gradually the illusion of intimacy fades away and individual desires, feelings, thoughts, and patterns of behavior take over. Now they are not one, but two persons. Their minds are no longer one.
Their feelings do not mix together in a sea of love. Now the waves of reality start tearing them away from each other. They come out of the mirage of love and at this point, they either cut off, break up, get divorced and seek a new experience of ‘falling in love or they Begin the hard work of learning to love each other, a love that does not have the heavenly experience of love’s passion.
Experiencing the passion of love is not focused on our development, nor on the development of the person in front. Instead, it gives us the impression that we have found our destination. 144 Psychoanalyst M. Many researchers, including Scott Peck and psychologist Dorothy Tenor, conclude that the experience of love should not be called love at all. Doctor.
Tenor has coined the term ‘limerence’ to distinguish it from true love. Doctor. According to Peck, the craze for love cannot be called true love for three reasons. First, falling in love is not in our hands. In this, our conscious process of will or choice does not work.
We cannot fall in love even if we want to fall in love, no matter how hard we try for it? On the other hand, no matter how much we avoid falling in love, we do fall in love. Often, we fall in love with people suddenly, unexpectedly, and unintentionally.
Secondly, falling in love is not real love because it is effortless. What we do in the frenzy of love requires no discipline or conscious effort. Long, expensive phone calls to each other, long trips to see each other, the valuable gifts we give, the money we put in for each other, and the effort irrelevant to the effort There are.
In the same way, the passion for love makes us do strange and exciting things for each other. Thirdly, the person in the throes of love does not take a real interest in promoting the personal development of the person in front of him.
When we fall in love, if there is a goal or purpose in our mind, it is that we want to overcome our loneliness and perhaps want to do so through marriage. “Experiencing the love affair focuses neither on our growth nor on the development of the person in front of us. Instead, it gives us the impression that we have found our destination and do not need to grow.
We are happy in life. K stands on Mount Everest and our only wish is to stay there. Of course, our girlfriend also doesn’t need development because she is the ideal woman in our eyes. All we want is for her to remain the ideal woman. If the passion for falling in love is not real love, then what is real love?
Falling is the union of our inner sx impulses and extrinsic sx impulses that increase the chances of the couple meeting and the lineage of the human race. 2
Whether we agree with this conclusion or not, whoever falls in love and have overcome it, will surely agree that this experience gives us such a unique feeling. The forest takes us to the sky that we have never experienced before.
This reduces our reasoning and intellectual abilities and we find ourselves doing and saying things that we cannot say or do in critical moments. In fact, when we recover from our emotional obsession, we often wonder why we did it.
When the storm of emotions stops and we step on the ground of reality, our differences come to the fore and almost all of us ask ourselves this question, ‘Why did we get married? We are not able to agree on anything. ’
And the funny thing is, in the peak moments of love, we seemed to agree on everything – at least on everything important. Does this mean that we get married by falling into the illusion of love?
get entangled in the net. We now have two options: (1) we may be forced to live a miserable life with our spouse or (2) we may change our ship and board another. Our generation has chosen the second option whereas the earlier generations had opted for the first.
Before we can conclude on our own that we have made the right choice, we should analyze the data. Currently, 40 percent of first marriages in this country end in divorce. Similarly, 60 percent of second marriages and 75 percent of third marriages end in divorce.
Clearly, the statistics do not support our hypothesis of greater happiness in second and third marriages. Research suggests that there is a third and better option: accept the reality of the love affair, recognize that it’s a momentary emotional impulse, and then initiate real love with your spouse.
This kind of love is of emotional nature but it does not come under the category of insanity. This love arises from the synergy of intellect and emotion. It is a desire to do and requires discipline, and it also underscores the need for personal development.
Our most basic emotional need is not an obsession with love, but to be truly wanted by the other person, a love that is developed not by the senses but by reason and choice.
‘ I need the love of a man who chooses to love me and sees something in me worthy of love. ’ This kind of love requires effort and discipline. It is an attempt to benefit the person in front of it with its own will.
In this love, we love knowing that our efforts will enrich the life of the other person, and it also gives us a sense of satisfaction – the satisfaction that we truly love each other. It is not necessary to have a heavenly experience of ‘love’s craze’. I
n fact, true love cannot begin until the ‘crazy of love’ ends. Intellectual and determined love. There is such a type of love that saints have taught us since ancient times.
We are not responsible for the good and generosity that we do in the passion of love, so we cannot even take credit for them. At that time, under the control of the senses, we do such things which are different from our normal behavior.
But once we enter the real world of human choice and we choose to do good and benevolent acts, that is true love.
If we need to be met emotionally. The desire of a married adult to be healthy is our emotional love and affection from our spouse. When we are sure that our spouse accepts us, wants us, and is committed to our well-being, we feel secure.
We have felt all these feelings during the state of ‘love madness’. Till that period lasted, everything was heavenly. Our mistake was in thinking that this cycle would go on forever. But this craze was not to last forever. In the marriage textbook, infatuation is just a prelude.
The basic text of the book is love based on intellectual and determination. This is such a type of love that saints have taught us since ancient times. This is done with desire and intention. This is good news for married couples who have lost their love interest.
If love is to be chosen, then they have the ability to love even after the period of insanity is over and return to the real world. This kind of love begins with an intention – a way of thinking. Love is a thought, an attitude, an intention that says, ‘I married you and I choose to support your interests.
‘ He who chooses love in this way finds the right way to express the decision. Some might argue, ‘ but it seems so mundane that love is an intention that requires proper treatment. Where have those falling stars, balloons, deep feelings gone?
Where is that eagerness to meet, the meeting of eyes, the power of kissing, the intoxication of sex? Where is that feeling of emotional security, that I am number one in his memories? This book is about all these things. How do we satisfy each other’s deep emotional need to be loved?
If we can learn to do this and decide to do so, the love we show for each other will go well beyond the stage of insanity.
For many years I have been using the five emotional love languages in my marriage seminars and personal counseling. What you are about to read, thousands of couples are living witnesses of its success. In my files are letters from people I’ve never met, ‘ A friend of mine gave me your tapes on love languages and it revolutionized our married life.
We had been fighting for years to love each other, but there was something missing in our minds. Now that we have started speaking each other’s love languages, the emotional plane of our marriage has completely changed.
When your soul mate’s emotional love tank is full and he feels secure in your love, then the whole world starts to look colorful and your life partner reaches the heights of his life. But if the love tank is empty and he feels that love is not being done then the whole world looks dark and he cannot touch the heights in life.
In the next five chapters, I explain five emotional love languages, and in chapter nine I explain how finding your spouse’s primary love language can make your love more meaningful and enjoyable.